Hidan vs Edward Cullen
by frostberry
Summary: Hidan vs. Edward Cullen
1. Twilight

"Forks, Washington."

"...Where? Here?" Hidan looked confused for a moment. He got out the crumpled piece of paper on which the address was written He smoothed it out, reconfirmed that yes, he was in Forks, Washington. Pein confirmed it even more as he redirected Kakuzu to Hidan's location; he appeared moments later by tracking down Hidan's chakra.

"I expect a massacre," said Pein smoothly, before his voice faded away. "Have fun," he added before he was gone completely.

Forks, Washington, was a nice little town, a bit cloudy, a bit ordinary, a bit in between – also known as your average town in the States. Now, as of today, it probably wasn't going to be as ordinary as ordinary comes by – oh no – as unlike Konoha and all those ninja cities, Forks had no f'king clue about Akatsuki. In fact, not many did. As proven, when Hidan and Kakuzu strolled into the town itself.

They got a few curious stares along the way. Not everyone was comfortable with what seemed like a). Cosplayers, b). Really weird-ass newest fashion, or c)., random uniform of choice - but most ignored this as they went about their everyday business, so they gave the two a once-over, and went along hurriedly, some of their children staring for a moment then running off, sometimes crying.

Why were the Akatsuki here? Why!?

It was quite simple.

Pein, being Pein, a.k.a knows just about everything in the world, recently became aware of a girl who fell in love with a vampire. It wasn't spread about on the news so much until a book about it was written - a book that almost seemed like an autobiographical account.

Pein had spotted Konan reading the books, and decided to read them himself.

_God. Immortal. _

"Who is this Edward Cullen?" Pein read, from the back of the book. 'Outrage' was an emotion that he was just not used to. At first, he dismissed it as oh-god-there-is-something-wrong-with-my-chakra-rods or I-feel-...human-again or -

"This man... Edward Cullen... cannot be killed." Konan had explained to him quietly, trying her hardest not to yell when Pein threw a tantrum and ended up Chibaku Tensei'ing half of Amegakure. After the chaos died down, and Pein, now on his feet, stared into the distance like he did most days, she added, "A mere immortal."

"There is no such thing as immortality in this world." Pein stated listlessly, bending down to pick up a pipe he had blown away. He crushed it effortlessly in his hand. "Not even a God." As he threw the pipe into the wind, thunder roared overhead.

"I want him dead."

"Who?"

Pein didn't even turn around. "You know who I mean."

* * *

He had considered Itachi and Kisame to kill Edward Cullen first. It wouldn't take much for them; Itachi would genjutsu dear Edward, while Edward was doing whatever he was doing (stalking someone 100 years younger), but he found that Itachi needed to be in close range to attack; and his taijutsu had gone down about 500 percent since he joined Akatsuki because Edward's kind-of-sister, Alice, could predict the future. Then when Kisame would try to slice his skin, it wouldn't work because his skin was marble and quite hard to split, and then Edward would set him on fire or whatever vampires did these days.

He then considered Tobi and Deidara. Baaad choice. Edward would be too fast to get caught in Deidara's explosions and would cut his arms off for like the 50th time. Deidara would be traumatized. Tobi, on the other hand, was already under Jasper's power to change emotions, and if Tobi turned nasty, and Deidara found his sharingan, there would be no more Deidara.

Konan's paper jutsu would have no effect. Yes, paper cuts hurt. But paper cuts don't work on marble.

He, Pein himself, was too busy filling out paperwork and watching over Amegakure to even bother with going to Forks.

He then thought of the new combination – Hidan and Kakuzu. Kakuzu had many attacks up his sleeve that could result in plot-no-jutsu. And Hidan, always bragging about immortals and his personal lust for blood...

Pein smirked.

* * *

"So who are we looking for? Would he be in here?"

Kakuzu sighed and looked at his born-69-years-later partner, "Weren't you listening to Leader, you idiot?"

Hidan fingered his rosary. "Uhmm... No. Except we're here, in Forks. It's going to be a fucking holiday!"

Kakuzu shook his head, disagreeing. "We are here to test our limits, as 'immortals'."

"I don't need to." Hidan looked over with a lazy grin on his face, his legs swaying on the bridge. He was sitting down, while Kakuzu was standing up, looking at the tourist map that displayed pinpoints and landmarks of Forks.

"I already am immortal," Hidan went on. "I don't need to sacrifice for a while." He looked down, seeing children playing a game in the stream which was filled with long weeds. He then said on a more sadistic note, "Or should I kill their parents early and get us a hotel here, eh, Kakuzu? Get us some money?" _Nudge Nudge Nudge. _

"We aren't going to take long. It's 11am. On a Tuesday. School time. Our target should be in there."

"School? Who the fuck goes to school these days? Deidara? He looks fucking twelve."

"We are ninja. We left the academy when we were small, unlike these people. They don't leave until they choose to, or when they are eighteen."

"Well that's retarded."

"It is."

Silence.

"...So... he's really immortal?"

"Yes."

"Is he or was he human?"

"Yes."

"Is he powerful?"

"Yes."

"How do you fucking know?"

"Because Leader said so. Plus, he's a vampire."

"...Oh." Hidan mulled over the last sentence. _Vampire...?_ Strange. "What are they?"

Kakuzu glowered.

"I am not a fucking book."

"Yeah but you're like, smart and shit," Hidan shot back, staring down at the children as one in a red shirt tripped and stubbed his toe. "I'm not up with the latest news and all that crap. _What. Are. They?"_

Kakuzu sat down next to Hidan, and slipped a hand into his cloak, retrieving a battered, torn up volume that had gone through the ordeals of Pein's attack, Deidara's current obsession, Zetsu having an argument with himself concerning the main characters, and himself buying the copy off said Flytrap at a minimal cost.

"This is an autobiographical account of our target's infatuation. His name is Edward, he is 104 years old (108 in the film) making him older than me. He is of a race called 'vampire' which is a term for "living dead". In other words, immortal. Unlike you, idiot, vampires do not need to kill to live."

"That's fucking cheating!"

"According to this book, he is treated as a God by the main character. Loved by many, even more so in the real world by millions of girls who have dedicated their lives to him and left their loved ones behind. Vampires can sparkle, which is one of their weaknesses. Leader found this book and wasn't impressed. He has ordered us to kill this Edward. Immortal versus Immortals, I dare say."

Kakuzu put the book back into his cloak, and got up. "Come on, we have a job to do."

* * *

Edward was in a biology lesson when he suddenly heard Alice calling to him.

_Edward, _she called. _I can see something coming. It's not the Volturi. I think something inhuman is after us. And possibly Bella. _

His eyes widened.

But he couldn't do anything. Not here. Not now. Bella was working silently. He looked at her once, then looked down at his sheet. Without thinking, he scribbled down the rest of the answers.

When the bell rang, he didn't wait for her, instead muttering silently to the dark-haired girl that Alice needed to talk to him. Alice and Jasper were waiting outside their English class.

"I don't know what it is!" Alice said. Jasper was nodding vacantly, occasionally looking at the various throats of students as they walked to their other classes. "I think they are powerful, I'm not too sure."

"How many?" Edward asked quietly.

Alice closed her eyes for a second.

"Two." She turned around as Bella caught up with them.

"What's going on?"

"_To tell her or not to tell her?_" Alice said into Edward's head.

Edward looked at Bella in the eyes. His eyes were melting butterscotch today and were so beautiful that Bella couldn't keep her eyes off them. "Nothing is wrong, Bella."

"Oh." She smiled faintly. "That's good. Are you coming to our next class?"

Edward shook his head. "No, I'm sorry."

* * *

And so our (anti, or not anti, not sure whose fanbase the reader (You) is in. You choose) heroes, Hidan and Kakuzu, looked on as students gathered outside the high school for lunch. Kakuzu watched them uninterestedly, and Hidan picked out his next sacrifices. Hidan then realised something.

"Hey! What do these vampires look like!?"

Kakuzu went through his bag, pulling out an _Official Twilight Film Photoshoot _booklet. He pointed at page 12.

"Edward Cullen, our target."

Hidan nodded. "What 'bout the girl?"

Page 16.

"Her."

"Hmm. Wasn't she in _Catch That Kid?"_

Kakuzu shrugged.

"Hang on! Go back to Cullen!"

_Flick Flick Flick. _

Hidan snatched the booklet from him, inclining his head as if trying to remember something. _Tick Tock Tick Tock, _went the cogs in his brain.

"What the hell!? _Cedric Diggory!?" _

"Who?"

Hidan looked extremely confused. "This guy is a wizard, not some sparkling heathen-" he was interrupted as Kakuzu grabbed his arm and pulled; there was a _BANG! _And the tree had been struck so fast that it sported a clean cut, although it still stood enough to balance. The attack was so swift and blurry that Hidan didn't even notice the chakra signature.

As he moved to the opposite side of the street, he realised that they_ had _no chakra within them. Where was all that power coming from?

The person that attacked them was tall, burly, although young. While Kakuzu took off his cloak to fight, Hidan went through _The Offical Twilight Film Photoshoot _and spotted this stranger on page 25.

He looked once at the now named Emmett Cullen, to the book, and back to Emmett.

"I've never seen you before." Hidan was interested. This guy was strong – he would put up a hell of a fight.

"I'm not here to fight." Emmett said. "What are you doing here?"

Kakuzu took a step forward. "We are here on orders to meet with Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. "

"Why?"

"_Orders_."

"Who is your leader?"

"Oh-My-God _will you stop asking questions?" _Hidan rolled his eyes. "Look, just show us where Cedric and his girlfriend are."

"How do you know about us?" Emmett ignored Hidan's griping. "Why are you here, and what do you want with Edward and Bella?"

Kakuzu showed him the battered _Twilight _book. Emmett blinked once.

"What's that got to do with it?"

Kakuzu glowered, getting angry. "We need to fight him. Face to face. Immortal vs. Immortals."

"And what do you want with Bella?"

Hidan spoke before Kakuzu did. "Not really anything... It's just that Leader-dude says we have to meet our match. Expect a massacre and stuff like that. You see, I haven't had a proper fight in ages. "

"So you are vampires?"

"Wha – Does _it look like I fucking sparkle!?" _

It was cloudy, so Emmett wasn't sure. "I will be back. Stay."

"_They are not vampires," _Emmett spoke to Edward's head. "_They_ _merely want a fight. '_Immortal vs. Immortals,'_ the masked one said._"

Edward nodded and relayed the information to Rosalie and Alice.

"_They also said to expect a massacre._"

* * *

Bella was talking to Jacob on the phone when suddenly Edward appeared out of nowhere. Hidan and Kakuzu had managed to find Bella's residence through the Police Station, where her father was chief.

"Move!"

Bella's phone was knocked out of her hand as an explosion ripped through the house. Edward grabbed her and moved quickly.

"How dare you go near Bella," Edward said to the figures in the smoke. The smoke cleared, and two men, one topless and holding a scythe, the other with stitches sewn into his body. The topless one had a smirk on his face, while his companion did not have much of an expression. By quickly going through their minds Edward learned their names were Hidan and Kakuzu – and they were not vampires!

_According to the source he has marble skin... maybe Iron Fist? Or a fire technique..._ the one called Kakuzu was thinking.

In Hidan's mind:

_It's Cedric! _

"Why... does _everyone _think I am Cedric?" Edward's eyes flashed, and he pulled Bella closer to his chest.

Hidan scratched his head. "You look like him-" he said. Then his facial expression changed to a 'what the fuck?' look. "Wait, how – huh-?"

"You should have researched him _before _you picked a fight with him," said Kakuzu.

"Uh, no... we were only given this mission-"

"Well why don't you do something productive in your miserable life and _read a damn book besides your stupid bible-_"

"It isn't stupid, asshole!"

Immersed in bickering, Hidan failed to realise that Edward had disappeared, and he was now staring at a smoking lounge chair. Kakuzu had also disappeared, running after Edward. He had left Bella behind.

She stared at him.

He stared back.

"See ya!"

Hidan tore after Edward by tracking Kakuzu's chakra. In no time he had caught up.

Kakuzu aimed, and fire engulfed the street. Edward barely missed it.

_Damn. He knows my weak spot. _

_

* * *

_

_Meanwhile in Akatsukiland _

_(e.g Amegakure). _

Pein was watching the fight from afar. There wasn't a scratch yet on Edward, Kakuzu or Hidan. All three were fighting. Who would be the top immortal in the end?

Pein switched to AnimalRealm!vision – she was crouching by a bush, watching, as Alice took Bella from her home and called on all vampires to come and battle these two immortals.

Pein stared.

"Konan."

"Yes, Nagato?" Konan looked up from her paper crane.

"Summarise _Breaking Dawn _for me."

"Well," she said, putting on her glasses and reading for the volume, which, like the first book was quite battered, "Edward and Bella have sex, they have a baby, Jacob imprints on said baby, and there's something about the Volturi disagreeing with the fact there's a hybrid around. So they gather a lot of vampire clans – "

"How powerful are the Volturi?"

"Very."

Pein's eyes flashed.

"Get Tobi and Deidara."

**Note: **

**Thanks to my beta reader the awesome Exwhyzed!**

**Also if I get anything wrong don't bother telling cause I'm too lazy to fix it. :P **


	2. New Moon

I watched New Moon for "research". Wonky nipple man made me laugh.

Also, my fic was recced in the Twilight Sucks forum! I feel so famous now. Also, you guys can give me ideas, but I'm sorry for the mistakes. If they are twilight related mistakes, then I don't care. If they are Akatsuki mistakes,then sorry! This fic will have four chapters.

**Hidan vs Edward Cullen**

**Chapter 2**

**New Moon**

**

* * *

  
**

There are a few ways to kill vampires in Meyerworld. One of them is, of course, fire.

This explains why there isn't any vampires (left) in Australia and other places where fires are common, such as tribes in which they worshipped fire. Another to kill vampires is blowing them apart so that they are unrecognizable, but the explosion has to be powerful enough to rip their limbs apart.

Maybe if just ONE other vampire besides Alice had the power of the future... but then again, she rang Aro's secretary and informed them that they were going to be blown up, except that she didn't have Aro's secretary's number and therefore by the time she found it, it was too late.

And also, Deidara and Tobi had flown towards Volterra, wouldn't a vampire actually fly out to greet them?

~*~*~*~

"They should have put up a fight, un!"

"Uh, Sempai, I'm pretty sure they didn't see you coming because you, you know, are flying above them."

"According to these books all vampires have super powers! One should have at least came to see me, the artist whom created these wonderful explosions! And where were the security guards!? They were probably admiring my clay models, un."

While Deidara gloated on and on about his big bang on Volterra, Tobi stopped listening. Well, he did listen to his sempai most of the time. But he needed to contact Pein to tell them their mission was accomplished. It was Madara Mode time.

* * *

_Amegakure, 11:46pm._

"Pein."

It stopped raining instantly. Pein put down his pen, to listen to what Madara had to say.

"Yes, Madara?"

"Volterra is down... Although we have come into a few plot problems."

"Good, that Volterra is down... but what are these "plot problems"?"

There was a moment's silence.

"How long did it take Deidara to blow the place up?" Sun started to shine.

"About two minutes max. But there's a few problems. We did not have a fight to come to us, and so we have figured out that apparently these vampires cannot fly... I was under the impression vampires turned into bats, to be honest, but I figured that these ones don't."

"Well that's a plus for Deidara."

"I also thought all vampires had super powers, too."

Pein shook his head, although he knew Madara wouldn't see it because he was speaking in his mind to him.

Reaching his hand out to his drawer, Pein drew out New Moon.

"According to New Moon, and then a little bit in Breaking Dawn, there are guards which do not possess special gifts. Did Deidara use his special firey explosives?"

"That I know of, yes-"

"The Volterri, according to the New Moon film, also live underground. Did Deidara know that."

"...I will just check with Deidara."

Madara went back into Tobi-Mode; the sunset was setting on the European landscape. It looked beautiful.

"Uh, Sempai, we might need to go back."

"Why, hmmm?"

"Uh... how good are you at reading-"

"Is that a threat, un!?" Deidara turned around, glaring at Tobi. "I can read. Text is a type of art, un!"

"No, no, it's just that you read all the Twilight books, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Have you watched the films?"

"Zetsu gave me a copy of the new New Moon film from the internet." Said Deidara shortly. "It's on my usb, un."

(Please note the Akatsuki also contribute to illegal internet piracy activities).

There was a slight pause.

"Um according to-" Tobi hastily changed his words; so that Deidara wouldn't know he was just communicating to Pein, "Well from what I've read-"

"Wait? You can read, hmm?"

"Yeah. From what I can remember, the Volturi live underground, and the tourists hang around overground... so everyone is probably dead except the Volturi."

* * *

"Oh shit."

Deidara and Tobi stopped their birds.

Pein's voice came into their heads.

"TURN BACK NOW."

Just as he gave his commandant, Tobi screamed.

"WATCH OUT SEMPAI!"

* * *

"The Volturi are down. I cannot make contact with them." Alice said urgently into Edward's head. Both he, Kakuzu and Hidan were in Seattle, on an apartment building rooftop. Edward had ran all the way there, trying to see if Kakuzu and Hidan would follow. But this was a pretty bad idea, as it was daylight, and all they had to do was to follow the shiny sparkly disco-ball thing jumping from rooftop to rooftop.

"Down!?" Edward gasped out, dodging a thread for Kakuzu which tried to slice his arm off.

"Even though I can't hear what you said, we have lost all communication with the Volturi. Hang on..." Alice gasped, and in her head she had a vision.

"Edward, be careful!"

"I'm pretty sure this dude is older than you," Hidan suddenly appeared underneath Edward, his sythe ready. Edward's eyes widened, and

_swish. _

Hidan missed, but he was not fast enough for the vampire, as Edward dodged, butterscotch topaz eyes shimmering softly in the daylight, but managed to catch a bit of Hidan's scythe, which bent in an angle which almost cut into Hidan's leg. The silver-haired man dropped his scythe, and Edward turned towards him.

Edward saw this as a chance to place two hands on Hidan's ears and rip his head off.

"Give up." Edward whispered, his hair, like in most stereotypical romantic films, was blowing in the wind. (This was because it was windy). "You have no chance. Don't go near Bella, or my family. Ever again."

Kakuzu seemed to not be bothered by the fact Hidan's body and Hidan's head were only connected by the trailed of blood coming out of Hidan's exposed flesh.

The vampire could smell the blood... but it did not smell of Bella's blood, or any normal human he seemed to smell on the street. It was strong, and so powerful.

"Smells good, doesn't it?" Hidan's head grinned from the ground. "The blood. You and I are so alike, both needing blood to survive."

Kakuzu heard him and kicked his head. It fell about 5 feet away from Edward, who stared at the head, which was making expressions like any other human being... _what the hell...?_

"You dare talk to the vampire like you are his equal." Snarled Kakuzu.

"But I'm just saying - " Hidan tried to protest. Kakuzu kicked him again.

"Shut up."

"Fuck you, asshole. you don't need blood. I wasn't going to even fucking side with him!"

"If I need blood, I go to an abattoir. Now shut up." Kakuzu seized Hidan's head, and at the same time, threads came out his body. These threads dragged Hidan's body over to Kakuzu, where he stitched Hidan back together. Hidan then picked up his bent scythe, grinning, almost manically, at Edward.

Edward could not believe what was happening. Was this Hidan man a vampire? He smelt just like a human being. Had the human race evolved to such immortality over the years, that he did not know it?

"Hidan." Kakuzu muttered. "We'll need a fire attack."

"My scythe is fucked up, but I can handle that." Hidan tested it. He just needed to throw at a different angle now. It was no use trying to communicate through their heads (via Pein) because Edward would hear them. "Let's kill it with fire. Because "kill it with sunlight" does not obviously work for Cedric here."

Edward's eyes narrowed. He had taken them to the rooftop for a few reasons:, they main one to try and separate those two, and the face that if they fell, because they are human, they would basically create a human pancake if they fell to the ground.

Kakuzu jumped first, creating hand signals and forming fire. Edward jumped, and Hidan ran straight into the now on-fire rooftop. His burning body, the Akatsuki cloak now in flames, he threw off and landed near Edward's ankle.

The vampire's shoe caught on fire.

* * *

"Bella, we have found some information on the two who are trying to kill you." Alice handed Bella a cup of tea. She nodded and took the cup without complaint. "I saw the dark man creating hand signals."

"Are they human?" she whispered.

Alice thought over that for a bit. "I'm not too sure, but they smell like human. They might be a hybrid species... Volturi is down that I know of. I can't see that far. I suspect that they were taken down by another group of these people, I'm not too sure... I saw explosions, I swear, but I'm not sure _how _powerful they were."

"Will Edward be fine?"

Alice sighed. "I'm sorry Bella... but I'm not too sure."

* * *

Konan had been watching Hidan and Kakuzu from afar. As a paper butterfly of course. She just didn't go near the fire which Kakuzu had created because she would burn like said paper. She had noticed that they were getting almost next to know where in the fight; except that Edward's tshirt had caught fire and he had to rip it off. Konan twitched at the sight of his pale chest and forcibly reminded herself that she was on Akatsuki's side, not the vampires, no matter how many times she had read the series, and how many times she had memorized the book so she could read in her head while the Akatsuki were sealing tailed beasts.

She flew away just in the knack of time as a fireball exploded.

Edward had been too busy covering his face from the flames that he did not see Hidan, his scythe in scorching hot flames, reach out and stabbed him in the back. The scythe went right into his supposedly-diamond-skin, and out through his chest.

**TBC.**


	3. Eclipse

I borrowed the manwha Twilight novel to look at the pictures. The illustrator didn't draw any of the background scenes, she just photoshopped them in! That's cheating!

**Hidan vs Edward Cullen**

**Chapter 3**

**Eclipse **

**

* * *

**

_Volterra, Italy. _

"Now you've done it, un."

"That was your fault, senpai."

"Fuck off! It was yours!" Deidara snapped at his parter. They were both tied up currently. The vampires had jumped high enough to kick Deidara off his clay bird. Madar- I mean, Tobi, also decided to get "captured". He pretended to be in pain when Jane's eyes flashed. But of course, Tobi, being Tobi, is not all exactly there, so the pain effect wouldn't of worked on him anyway.

"Why did you attempt to attack the Volturi?" Jane asked calmly. Her eyes flashed and Deidara, having read New Moon, knew that she was going to try and inflict pain on them. He closed his eyes, struggling to make his palms unite so that the only bit of clay which he had left, so he could escape and complete his mission of killing the Volturi.

It was all so sudden, it was like an explosion happened in his head and spread all over his body. The pain was horrible. Think of trying give birth, in fact. Or, the crucicatus curse. The pain flooded into his fingers, which made him angry enough to pull the ropes binding his hands apart. He clapped his hands together, forming a spider.

Three vampires moved as fast as they could, but they were too late.

_BOOM. _

Tobi managed to teleport away in the knack of time, but didn't take Deidara with him. White light flooded the room they were held captive in; the blast of the explosion ripped apart the walls.

* * *

"Lucky I am immortal." Edward Cullen said to Hidan, talking normally even though something that looked like dead blood (the sort which i won't mention but you might use tampons for that sort of thing) "It won't kill me. I cannot be killed."

"It'll just make you look very ugly, " sneered Hidan, twisting the scythe at such an angle that the blood managed to ooze out of Edward's radiantly dazzling chest, sparkling, like white and red diamonds, which girls over the world would die for. "And can't breathe properly."

"I don't need to breathe." He answered.

"Shut up, you stupid discoball."

Edward growled, his burnt hand, in a blur, whipped out and tried to punch Hidan. He ducked, but then Hidan was kicked, about 3 or 4 metres away, nearly to the edge of the rooftop.

"You fucker!" he yelled at Edward. Edward just stood there, all glittery. But he wasn't the one that kicked Hidan!

Kakuzu stalked up to Hidan and kicked him again, his head going over the head. Hopefully Kakuzu didn't push him off.

"You will pay for that. I am the head of Team Edward, and I refuse-"

"WHAT?"

"You must get a lot of money." Edward said, trying to pull out the scythe.

"That's why I am head." growled Kakuzu. "Don't you dare kill him."

"So why are you not following Leader's orders?" Hidan picked himself up."I know I am a bit of a rebel, but does Pein even know who you really are?"

"No. I have done my role in pretending to kill him, and now, it is time for me to leave."

"He does now." Another voice murmured.

Konan had reappeared, and had been a butterfly by the corner of the building. "He's been listening to everything." Actually, Pein was only half-listening at the time. He was too busy figure out what Zetsu's role in the mission was.

"Team Edward has more money than Akatsuki ever has. I, of course, will always go for where money is. Money is where the heart, or five hearts, in my case is."

"I can't fucking believe this." Hidan spat on the ground once, then again, over the rooftop, the spit falling onto a little child's head down below. "You fucking traitor. Go die in a hole. See you in hell."

Edward, now on the ground, still trying to get out the scythe. Konan used a justu of her own to bind him with her paper. He glared up at her.

"One sparklepire, Captured." She said softly.

Kakuzu disappeared, still wearing the bag with the _Official Twilight Film Photoshoot_ booklet in it.

* * *

"Edward has been captured!" Alice whispered to Bella. Bella burst into tears.

"How can he be captured?" Carlisle asked. "We are vampires, there shouldn't be a way we can be... unless he has been weakened."Alice didn't want to mention that Edward had been stabbed, a stitched up man who was at least 92 was in charge of Team Edward, Inc, a very pretty female human covered Edward up with paper. Oh, and Edward's lung was poking out.

Carlisle needed to go see Edward straightaway, but couldn't because Bella would bawl her eyes out even more if she knew the truth.

* * *

_Two lands, both alike in dignity,_

_In fair Forks and La Push, where we lay our scene,_

_From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,_

_Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean._

"I'm considering joining the fight." said Jacob suddenly, pushing his dinner away. "You guys, stay here."

"Actually," said Kisame, who was hiding underneath a big bush came out of nowhere, (using a chakra hiding technique which also disguised his sharky smell) "My partner and I were walking past, and we thought that you wolves might benefit from this fight, after all."

"Hmm? Yeah?" Jacob narrowed his eyes. Itachi activated his sharingan, so in case Jacob escaped, Itachi would catch him and send him into an illusion so powerful that he would be running away with his tail between his legs.

"Firstly, we do not care about Bella, we just care about destroying the vampires." Kisame said firstly.

"Uh-huh." Jacob relaxed a little, which meant Itachi didn't need to mangekyouing'sharingan him, so he gave his eyes a rest.

"According to the _Twilight_ book, you are at civil unrest, both with the vampires which have Fork's land, and with the twilight fangirls."

"Uh-huh."

Itachi squinted his eyes, as if he couldn't see very well. I've seen him before...

"So, if we get rid of the Cullens, you can roam freely in their land."

"Uh-huh."

"Excuse me," interrupted Itachi, "You weren't in _The Adventures of __Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3D_ were you? Wern't you Sharkboy?"

"Not that I know of," said Jacob, rather coldly. Itachi's eyes turned red again in self-defence. Kisame sniggered.

"I guess the wolf and I have more in common then I thought! I thought I knew you from somewhere. I'm a bit of a Sharkboy, myself."

"Don't forget, I could be a lavagirl..." Itachi nodded.

_Akward Silence._

"It's true, I care for Bella, but I don't care for her sparkling boyfriend who hasn't even come out of the closet yet. Kill the sparklers for all I care." said Jacob, ignoring Itachi.

Kisame smiled, his shark teeth appearing sharp. "So if we kill the sparkling vampires, you can have their land."

"And if you don't kill them?"

"Then..." Kisame pondered over that thought for a moment, realising he didn't actually know, "You can have our land." he lied.

"What's your land?"

"Akatsukiland."

"So where's that on the map?"

Kisame grinned again. "Google it."

Once Kisame and Itachi had slipped away, Jacob went back inside.

"I forgot to mention Akatsukiland is a theme park, if you look it up." Kisame chuckled as they walked away.

Itachi chucked too. It was awesome being a villain.

* * *

"They are too invincible." Madara said clamly, putting Deidara onto the floor at Pein's feet. "Deidara is unconscious. I escaped."

Pein said nothing.

Ignoring Pein's silence, Madara switched the subject. "How are Kakuzu and Hidan going?"

The orange-haired man sighed. "Kakuzu is not on our side anymore."

"What?"

"He's... He's..." Pein tried to say it, but the anger in his voice told Madara what Kakuzu really was.

"You cannot be serious! Kakuzu is... is a..."

"He's a twihard." said Pein simply.

"No. Way. That's impossible." Madara's eye(s) widened in disbelief.

"Well which other person carries around the _Official Twilight Film Photoshoot_ booklet in their bag?"

"That says everything." said Madara firmly. "I can't believe I trusted him."

Konan appeared suddenly, in a swish of paper. "Nagato, I have captured Edward Cullen, with the help of Hidan. He is currently in Seattle, Washington. Now, he might call for his coven at any moment, so I suggest –" she looked down at the floor, where Deidara was, "Someone patch Deidara up, and we head off to Seattle as quick as possible."

"There won't be any need for us to go to Cullen." Pein said emotionlessly, "I have a plan."

"Pein is a man with a plan," said Madara. "What plan do you have today?"

"It's time... to blow up... the publishing company."

Konan and Madara looked at eachother. "Are you sure that's even going to work...?"

"It did in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets with Harry destroying the diary that held Tom Riddle's memories in them."

"That's a horcrux." Said Madara. "And borrowing ideas from other books is strictly prohibited-"

"I'm in Akatsuki, we get away with everything," Pein replied. "So if we blow up the original manuscript, they would disappear, because they are just words fabricated in someone's mind."

Konan nodded.

"Konan." Said Pein. "Fetch Itachi, Kisame and Zetsu. We're going on a roadtrip. Hidan can kill Edward permanently, and then we'll go for the manuscript."

"Okay. But where would the manuscript be?"

"Either at a publishing company," said Madara, "A museum filled with Twilight fangirls... or.. or.."

"Well, spit it out."

"It could be in the hands of Team Edward or Team Jacob. I hear there's a war on them."

"Well, that settles it. We're also going to have to kill Kakuzu. Konan, go fetch the others."

* * *

**TBC.**

**There will be more action next chapter, with more interactions of Twilight will be secret disguises, more revelations and an ending!**


	4. Breaking Dawn

Hidan vs. Edward Cullen

_Breaking Dawn _

Today, marks the beginning of the quest to search for the mystical original Twilight manuscripts.

In most Quest/Adventure series, usually the mystical object is in the hands of a museum with a thousand or so security sensors, guards, etc.

Unfortunately I am a cliché author (I dearly apologize for this but Meyer is also unoriginal so you can't have a go at me for this) and being said cliché author, before the chapter begins, Pein and Konan did research on the two halves of the manuscript of Twilight. According to Wikileaks, The first half of the manuscript was in the possession of Team Edward, was in a museum dedicated to the Cullen family.

Then, according to the official Facebook group, the second half was owned by Team Jacob, and was heavily guarded, no doubt by the boyfriends of a few Team Jacob fans and the furries of the Twilight fandom in a forest somewhere in Washington State. This meant the script Team Edward possessed must also be heavily guarded, like an expensive diamond would in a museum.

By the time Konan had came back with Pein to retrieve Edward, Kakuzu was gone, Edward was gone, Hidan cursing at Konan and telling her how much he fucking hated her for being so fucking slow, as Alice had appeared and managed to get Konan's paper off Edward when Hidan was cursing at the sky behind his back. Rambling on about why Konan should have stayed put in the kitchen instead of becoming a kounichi, Konan simply gave him a few papercuts, and three days later, Hidan was curled up, snoozing on the lounge as he took a break from destroying the vampires. He was still pissed that Edward got away, but Pein pointed out that vampires couldn't heal that well, so Hidan was gleeful at that.

"Next time," Konan had forced Hidan into a corner (after realising Edward had gone), using her paper coffin technique, "Throw the vampire _off _the building into a sewer so the other vampire won't find him!"

"Aksjdhs!" The silver haired man replied angrily before being tortured to more paper cuts.

* * *

_4:29pm. _

Edward was now on his lounge, waiting for a vampire from Volterra to appear to "heal" him. Somehow this got out and was the front page of _Cullen Daily_ for the past few days, and according to the magazine, "personal nurses" came in to view Ed's injuries every day. Edward and his family never actually picked up the magazine, as they didn't seem to look at magazines, and since only Carlisle cleaned up his wounds, minus the arm he was currently missing, (lying at his side getting ready to be stitched back on) Bella was at his side, it was safe to say that _Cullen Daily _sprouted bullshit.

What was very interesting about the whole ideal was Edward's right arm. He now only had his left arm to do unspeakable naughty things at 2am now, but his right hand, halfway to his elbow, didn't piss out blood like normal human beings – it did kind of before, but now the blood was all sparkly and clumpy and ewey and grotty, like the glitter glue/paint you squeeze out of bottles when you were a kid to make faces out of paper plates.

Bella wasn't disgusted by the whole ordeal. She was however concerned for dear Edward's safety, and she realised that Edward was in _actual _danger, like worse than usual kind-of-danger. Edward had been in World Wars before, so it wasn't like he was new to the whole violence thing.

Alice was sitting on the chair opposite, eyes closed, concentrating, as if meditating. But no, she was actually searching for visions that the Akatsuki would attack again.

"Have you seen anything yet?" Bella asked Alice, looking concerned. Alice looked like a bird perched on a stick when she concentrated. Her eyes flicker red to the floor where Bella mopped up the goo of Edward's blood.

"This is the 5th time in an hour you have asked," said Alice. "No."

Bella fell silent again. It must be really boring being a vampire. _I mean, most days Edward's family probably hang around doing nothing. _

Carlisle's car turned up to the house. He and Esme got out, Esme holding a shopping bag with food she got from the store for Bella. Edward kind of groaned and rolled over to his side.

"Carlisle says he's home."

Edward must be deaf now too.

* * *

Mary Sue #1 and Mary Sue #2 were bored. They were secretaries at the _Team Edward _museum. They were paid $40 an hour and they were fairly good at their job.

"Hey!" A girl with bright blonde hair in a ponytail at bounced up to them, chest proudly displaying _I sparkle._ She had a rather deep voice, the sort that you would see at a drag queen show. She beamed and put her ticket on the counter.

"One pass to the Team Edward exhibit, please!"

Mary Sue #1 got up from her seat. "We are going to have to inspect you and check your belongings." She said seriously, looking up and down at the girl as if thinking that she was an enemy.

"What, un?"

"It is a regular procedure," the other Mary Sue looked under her desk for her metal detector (vampire light saber) and a blue box full of stuff which had been confiscated from the Team Edward and Jacob members. These included weapons, something disgusting which was rotting, the usual mobile phones and leg razors.

The blonde looked at the razors and smiled sweetly. "I don't have anything that will destroy anything. I really love Edward stuff and I promise to never hurt anything, including the cardboard cut-outs." Mary Sue #1 shook her head. The blonde then got out her bag. She wore it around her waist which was terribly unfashionable. The Mary Sues looked at the bag distastefully. "I've only got clay in here, un."

Mary Sue #2 looked at the ID card. Then, at the folder where it had the photos of banned people in them, the culprits including most of Team Jacob. At the very end of the pages there was a small list of 'criminals'.

She put her finger on the page entitled _Akatsuki. _Then, she turned to the other Mary Sue.

"This man is part of Akatsuki!" she accused him, pointing her finger, "We can't let him in!"

Mary Sue #1 looked confused. "Are you saying...? She's a _he_?"

"I'm a woman! Look! Breasts!" The blonde pointed at her chest. One of the Mary Sues jumped over the desk and pulled at the blonde's upper half.

"...Oh."

"Thank you," the blonde said sweetly with a trace of venom, rearranging her dress. She snatched her clay bag back and ignoring the Mary Sue's protests, and silently smirked to herself, walking off. A few girls were littered here and there, mainly taking photographs. Then, she met a man with a hood on his head.

"How the fuck did you get here first, un!" With a _poof!_ The woman transformed into a man, no fake bits, no dress. He swished his hair out of his face and looked around.

"I'm magic." Tobi said simply.

"Whatever. This place smells funny."

"Like teenage girl hormones, Sempai?"

Deidara sniffed. "Precisely."

Tobi reached into his pocket and took out the map. He pointed to the centre of the paper. "We are here, at the Edward and his family sculpture." Deidara looked up.

"That sculpture is not artistic," his eyes roamed over the faces. "Look too realistic. The mouths, however, do not. They look a little offside..."

"The Part 1 Twilight manuscript is on the other side of the building. Leader says we can either blow everything up and get to it but he has warned us that Kakuzu or his army might be guarding it because they got tipped off."

"Damn. We must find a way through if Kakuzu is guarding, un."

Tobi then looked up at the cardboard cut-out of Edward which was next to the sculptures. "Why don't we try and pretend to be vampires?"

5 minutes later, Deidara and Tobi – I mean, Edward and Bella suddenly appeared suddenly in the middle of the museum. They were beautiful, the windowed ceiling gave off a light while made Edward sparkle like a precious diamond on a museum.

"Why do I have to be Bella?" Deidara grumbled, poking his jacket. It clearly wasn't his style.

"Because it would be easier to be Bella because you have long hair." Tobi said simply. He didn't get the voice entirely right, partly because Madara didn't bother watching _Twilight_ but instead flickered through the book.

Deidara rolled his eyes. Stupid Tobi. He looked at the map once again, and saw that the map showed that the manuscript was in a heavily guarded part of the museum. "Come on, this way."

"Oh. My. God."

"Holy shit..."

"Is that _Edward?"_

"What is SHE doing with him!"

Deidara and Tobi looked each other, horrified. Fangirls!

Tobi was about to run as fast as he could, but Deidara grabbed hold of him before he could. "We need to get the manuscript." He muttered.

"That means we run!"

"No, dumbass, it means we walk there because there's security around, and they can trust us."

"Are Edward and Bella getting a divorce?" a girl came up to them and asked, looking horrified that Edward and Bella were fighting.

They smiled and shook their heads.

"Sorry, she's got the time of the month." 'Edward' apologised to the girl. The girl raised her eyebrow. Deidara elbowed him in the ribs.

"Gentlemen don't say that, un."

The crowd squealed, with words such as "angry" and "Bella" and "BDSM" lingered around. A few girls were breathing heavily, as if their fantasies had just been constructed in front of them. Deidara put on a forced smile.

"Hey everyone, we're here to look at the manuscript. We've been talking to Team Jacob and they want us to reunite the two together, un."

"So can you show us where it is?"

There were murmurs.

"You are going to have to talk to Kakuzu first." Mary Sue #1 and #2 had come along to see what the fuss was about. "He's in charge of the manuscript and security. He's going to have to verify you to see if you are real."

_Fuck! He knows that Edward is injured right now. _Tobi and Deidara looked at each other, uncertain. "I'll go," Deidara offered, "Edward can stay here." Mary Sue #1 nodded. "He can talk and ask the questions for the ladies here."

Madara's sharingan managed to seep through to his Edward image, so his eyes turned red. Fortunately, Deidara had read all 4 books and knew that red eyes meant lunch time. "Uh..." said Mary Sue #2, looking wary, "How about we take Edward somewhere?"

There was an uproar from the crowd whom obviously didn't see red.

"I'll be fine," Tobi assured, although his voice didn't quite match the real Edwards, "I will wait for you here, Bella."

Deidara made his way to move away (accompanied by three security guards, a large group of girls and plenty of paparazzi) but Tobi grabbed his arm.

"Good luck."

The crowd cooed.

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" they chanted.

The look of horror appeared on Deidara's face for a split second, but passed before anyone noticed. He shook his head. "Maybe next time, sorry."

"Her lips are a little sore from the last photo shoot," Tobi explained. "But they will be in the next issue of Cullen Daily." Girls nodded and whispered, and parted as Deidara went one way, and Tobi was taken away to answer questions for the ladies and sign autographs.

"It's an honour to meet you, Bella." One of the security guards beamed at him. "I have your Playboy centrefold in my bedroom."

"Uh... thank you." Deidara smiled warmly at him. He looked around while they walked to the manuscript. He saw a corkboard with horrible fanart, three cars on display, newly polished, with a sign behind the rope telling them that Edward owned these previously. He then passed a souvenir shop with, you guessed it, Team Edward and merchandise. Deidara cringed at he remembered Pein searching the internet for freaky Twilight merchandise and stumbled across a pale pink (to be kept in the fridge) sparkling long... yeah. Mary Sue #1 (the other went with Tobi) suddenly stopped her. "What?" he snapped as they passed anti Team-Jacob propaganda.

She pulled out a knife. "There might be Team Jacob x Edward fans around." She looked around. "This might get risky."

"I can handle myself."

"Of course you can, and fell off a cliff." The girl teased. She was trying to talk as if she was familiar with Deidara.

"I did not fall. I jumped, un."

A girl who was hanging around the Anti-Team Jacob propaganda section suddenly whipped around as she heard Bella's voice. Her face transformed into fury, as she lunged, nails sharp, at Bella. Deidara instantly pulled out some clay, but the Mary Sue jumped in front and threw the knife. The girl dodged and jumped.

"I HATE YOU BELLA!" she roared.

"SHE'S A TEAM EDWARD X JACOB FAN! DUCK!" Deidara ducked and the girl went crashing into security guards. It took quite a while to clam the girl down. As the guard took her away, she spat in Deidara's face. "I HATE YOU!"

Deidara was genuinely confused. He almost – just almost – felt sorry for Bella. But he didn't, but looked concerned as she was carried away. He rubbed the spit away with his sleeve.

"Sorry," the Mary Sue apologised. "You probably get that all the time."

"...Pretty much."

They came to the part of the museum which was heavily guarded. The floors, the walls, the ceiling – was steely grey chrome, just like in the movies. _It would be wonderful to destroy, un. _

Every few metres, a guard was positioned. The Mary Sue went up to the thick door, and put her fingerprint onto it. It beeped and opened.

"Thank you, but I think I can go from here," Deidara nodded at all the twenty-five extras that decided to come along. They all smiled and used this as an opportunity to get autographs and snapshots. After about ten minutes Deidara was clearly getting cranky, so he asked them to leave. They were waving as they left. _Finally. _He then walked through the door, and the door shut_, echoing._

"Kakuzu is up here." Deidara jumped, as the Mary Sue that let him in walked past him.

"I can do it by myself," said Deidara quickly. "Really. I should be meeting the Team Jacob leader in a few minutes, un."

"Since you have not been here, I'm pretty sure the system wouldn't know your fingerprint."

"Yeah..." the lights were really bright in here. Deidara wished he had his eyepiece with him. A security camera swivelled in at them as they walked through another door. This time, there was no doorway, they had entered an office. Kakuzu sat at his desk, and looked down at the two when they appeared. Deidara felt anger. _Fucking Kakuzu! _He wanted to smash him right then and there. On Kakuzu's desk was a computer, which showed that he was on eBay. Paperwork sat in front of him, and behind him was a painting of Edward.

In front of him, in fact, was a little gem which Deidara would like to call 'the manuscript'.

"Kakuzu sir." The Mary Sue bowed and Deidara noted the use of honorifics. "I have Bella Swan with me. Team Jacob wants peace with Team Edward and reunites the manuscripts together."

"Why was there no email or phone call before you came?" Kakuzu's eyes did not leave his computer. He switched tabs and was now watching Tobi getting interviewed by channel Cullen. "I would have known if there was some sort of agreement, I do have spies in Team Jacob, after all."

_Whatever. _Deidara rolled his eyes. "We didn't know the number, sorry and we were at Edward's when we sorted the agreement out and Carlisle only has the yellow pages up to 1986."

"Who sorted it out the agreement?" Kakuzu picked up a form.

"Jacob, of course."

"I will have to fill this form out first."

There were a few scribbling and then Kakuzu finished the form off with a signature.

"Before I hand over the manuscript, we need a DNA test first, to see if you are Bella." Said Kakuzu flatly.

Deidara mentally groaned.

"Look, it's not necessary; I'm supposed to be meeting Team Jacob in a few minutes."

Kakuzu shook his head. "This is to keep the Akatsuki out."

"They went after Edward!" Deidara feigned a almost saddening, frightened look.

Kakuzu looked up. "Funny, Bella and Edward should be in Forks right now, _Deidara_."

Black threads appeared from under Kakuzu's blazer, like tiny snakes. Deidara lunged for the script before the threads did. In the process, he managed to get out a bit of clay and throw it at Kakuzu.

"Genjustu wa... BAKUHATSU DA!"

The blast went through the entire office and racked the whole museum. This was the sign for Tobi to run. Deidara and the Mary Sue were thrown to the ground and paper fluttered everywhere. Deidara assumed they were Kakuzu's papers from his bookcase and desk, but his mouth dropped open when the Mary Sue who had helped him turned into Konan in a puff of smoke.

"Konan!" oh he was glad to see her.

"RUN!" The smoke alarms were going off, and the water from the roof had already started. Konan flew out of the window, and Deidara threw a piece of clay into the air and it transformed into a nimbus cloud. He jumped on top of it, barely missing Kakuzu's arm which wasn't attached to where it should be. He threw more clay into the window, which then exploded with a deadly force.

Deidara flew down towards the street, where Tobi was being chased by screaming girls, which were more interested in the sparkling man before them rather than the fire engines bellowing past. He jumped onto the cloud as Deidara got out a cigarette lighter and burnt the manuscript, letting the crisp burnt paper flutter to the ground. He then followed Konan's direction, back to the hideout.

"So long, TEAM EDWARD!" he yelled at the people on the ground. "NEXT TIME DRAW BETTER FANART!"

* * *

How to know if the manuscript had disappeared? Pein refreshed Google News every two minutes. At this point in time, exactly five seconds after detectives went into the office of Kakuzu's to inspect the damage, they found no manuscript and declared the manuscript to be a great loss, especially to those who were actually into the series. But something weird had happened, to Edward and Bella.

Deidara was back, looking gleeful and went off to the pub, Konan returned to her partners side, Itachi and Kisame had nicked off to Forks, where Hidan currently was. Madara was watching Pein break his keyboard by punching in various keywords in Google News with such force that the laptop looked as if it was going to break.

"_Leader." _Hidan's voice suddenly interrupted. "_I was pretending to be Carlisle just before and about a second before I could stab the fucking vampire he disa-fucking-ppeared!"_

"_Deidara managed to get rid of the manuscript." _

_"Funny, _Hidan said, "_I went and searched for them, because they like, vanished. It was weird, dude. Anyway I found them in a meadow. And why are they __in that meadow anyway, nearby doing the same thing again and again?"_

_

* * *

_

Sun shimmered against the sky. It was a beautiful golden sunset. And it was spring. Spring meant mating season – I mean flowers. Bella lay back on the grass and Edward hung over her, staring at her lips. His arm dropped off, glitter glue leaking everywhere.

"It's hard not to try and kiss you..." Bella murmured, lifting her head a little, ignoring the fact her vampire boyfriend's arm just fell off. She was mesmerized by his golden eyes and glittering body and blood.

"What's stopping you?" Edward asked quietly.

"Mm..."

Suddenly, the sun shimmered against the sky again. The sunset was beautiful. And it was spring. Bella lay back on the grass, hair flowing everywhere. Edward looked over at her.

"It's hard not to try and kiss you..." she whispered.

Edward blinked.

"...Didn't you just say that?"

* * *

"My theory is," Madara clapped his hands together when Pein told him of what Hidan had just witnessed, "They should be in the same loop again and again. Hidan found them, and Kisame probably just tore Forks apart."

"I have a theory," Konan piped up, on her own computer looking at Wikipedia, "According to Meyer, she had a dream that they were in the meadow... "

"So half the manuscript has been destroyed, but they are still together, and Edward still has his injuries, I am guessing." Pein said.

"_Yeah he does," _Hidan spoke clearly, interrupting. _"Can I sacrifice him now?" _

"_Technically, he's dead, so sacrificing him won't work. But do whatever you want." _

Pein heard a maniacal laughter and what seemed to be the sound of diamond against a scythe.

* * *

Sun shimmered against the sky. It was a beautiful golden sunset. Edward now had no ribcage and his head was hanging off. He was better off for dead.

Bella ignored this little shamble and lay back on the grass and Edward hung over her, staring at her lips, blood dripping onto Bella's face and body.

"It's hard not to try and kiss you..." Bella murmured, lifting her head a little, and then coughing when Edward's blood managed to drip into her mouth. She was mesmerized by his golden eyes and sparkling body.

"Whad's stobbing ou?" Edward asked quietly, his voice thick.

"Mm..."

* * *

Itachi and Kisame were hopelessly lost. In a forest. For hours. "Excuse me." Itachi walked over to what seemed to be the shape of a dog. "Do you know where the Team Jacob manuscript is?"

The dog ran away. Itachi sighed.

"This is ridiculous." Kisame muttered, throwing his samehada into a tree in anger. The samehada scraped off the bark.

"Now, now, Kisame." Itachi said. "We have to go by Leader's orders."

"We were told to get rid of Part 2 by the time Part 1 was destroyed! Part 1 is destroyed, and we are in the middle of no-fucking-where!"

"Calm down, I'm sure we will be able to find it."

There was a puff of smoke, and Itachi and Kisame jumped back into their fighting positions just in case it was Kakuzu. But no, it was Hidan, all covered in blood, grinning like he had just been allowed to sacrifice the entire world to Jashin. "Guess fucking what!"

"What." Came Itachi's monotonic voice. He was not in the mood to listen to Hidan's tales of his glorious religion.

"I fucking killed Edward Cullen!"

There was a pause as Kisame raised his hands to clap unenthusiastically.

"Well, kinda." Hidan scratched his cheek. "Part 1 got destroyed and the girl and him were in a limbo in this field and so Pein said I could chop his arms off and it was _really _gross, man-"

"So you tortured him."

"...Yeah. He's got no head now," said Hidan in a tone that was as casual as getting himself a glass of water.

"But they are still in limbo?" Kisame asked.

Hidan shrugged. "Maybe since he's got no head it won't work?"

"If we destroy Part 2, he will completely be gone forever," Itachi said. "Can we please get on with the mission?"

Kisame rolled his eyes and dug his samehada out of the tree. "Yeah, if we knew where to go."

"Oh, and Pein told me to tell you that the manuscript is that way." Hidan pointed east. "Aaaand you are nearly there, by the way."

"Don't be so loud," hissed Kisame, "You might attract-"

Out of the shadows, came three huge, hairy beasts.

"...Werewolves."

* * *

It was around the maybe 20th or 21st time when Edward tried to kiss her with no head that Bella's common sense came through, the fact that all she was doing was sit ups by falling onto the grass again and again, with glitter-glue all around her. But she didn't move. She couldn't remember why Edward was dead, his eyes moving, but facial expressions dead.

He was virtually a vampire zombie.

It had to be a nightmare.

She sat back down, tears in her eyes.

Until, what seemed to be a massive plant came out of the ground.

"Dinner."

Zetsu licked his lips as Bella began to scream.

* * *

"There is no such thing as Akatsukiland." Jacob transformed into a human. "You tried to fool us."  
"But I was joking."

One of the wolf-boys perked up, "Hey, isn't that the dude who killed Edward Cullen?"

"It is too!"

"That's awesome!"

The three Akatsuki members stared.

"Yeah, I did." Hidan said, and then got his scythe out, "We are here to take the manuscript... so hand it over."

The wolves burst out laughing, echoing in the forest. "Have fun."

Kisame and Hidan looked confused. Itachi as per usual remained indifferent.

"You really want to go against those Team Jacob fans?" Seth said. "I wouldn't."

"They're a bunch of tough nuts, unlike the majority of Team Edward." Leah said.

"And their boyfriends are there." Supplied Seth. "They've got dead people hung around the place. It's just like Pirates of the Caribbean."

"Yeah, yeah, sure, sure." Hidan, Itachi and Kisame already walked past them. "See you!"

* * *

Team Jacob fans weren't your ordinary girls. Some of them were trained in martial arts. Some of them had their boyfriends with them. They could kick ass.

Gary Stu was circling the manuscript. He'd heard the Part 1 manuscript was burnt by terrorists, according to his Facebook feed. It was his time to circle the manuscript, which was held in a perfectly sculptured glass case. Bullet proof, of course.

"Hey."

His girlfriend had come over, holding a cup of coffee from Forks Starbucks. "It's nearly time for your shift to finish." She smiled at him. "How much did you get this time?"

"Dunno." As long as he had money, he didn't really care. His girlfriend admired the manuscript.

"It's beautiful." She read a passage from the page. "Our love is as strong as theirs."

"Hold it, right there." Hidan, whom had stolen someone's aviators (from a hung prisoner of war with a Team Edward tshirt on) in an effort to look cool while he kicked ass.

"Akatsuki." Gary Stu growled. "Did you kill everyone? Even the bank manager here?"

"What manager? I didn't do it." In fact, Itachi had just genjustu'ed everyone. Speaking of Itachi, he appeared from the trees, blood leaking from his eyes. He really strained himself this time. "I wouldn't know. Everyone's asleep. I think."

There was a small rumble in the ground and Zetsu appeared, the dirt breaking the surface. The two Team Jacob people's eyes widened; this was just getting crazier and crazier.

They were cornered.

"Just hand over the manuscript." Hidan raised his hand. "And no one will get hurt, except for the ones whom are not from Jashin."

"Oh, _really!_?" the girl shrieked and pointed at them, ignoring the fact Hidan just death-threatened her. "Edward is dead! Bella is probably dead by now!"

"So?" a paper butterfly came into view.

"Twilight has ruined literature." The butterfly transformed into a woman. "Do you remember the good old Dracula? The good old Harry Potter?"

They didn't say anything.

"The days that boys resembling Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner would be chased down the street with knives by screaming girls?" They still didn't say anything. "The days that friends were friends, and now schools and workplaces are divided because of Team Edward and Jacob? The world is in chaos. We need peace."

Gary Stu ignored Konan's little speech. "I'm only here for my pay check." The girl nudged him. "And my girl, of course." She smiled and he put his arm around her. "I may not like Twilight as much as she does but trust me this is the best job I have had."

Girls going after dangerous boys was a bit like Bella's style.

Zetsu looked specifically at the boy, who gulped. "Especially ones with money."

"Nice talk, but clearly they aren't reacting." Hidan pointed out but got ignored.

"It's all about the money." Gary Stu said.

"It is."

Hidan was frustrated. He needed to kill someone. And this Gary Stu could do just well. There was a yell, and he ducked instantly. Team Jacob girls had woken up. All of them carried weapons. A large girl in front even had a wolf headband and a wolf's tail in her belt. Being taller than Hidan, Hidan almost felt like a mouse in front of her. She lunged at him with a spear, and Hidan dropped to the grass. The other girls howled and it was a fight!

The silver haired man did a swift kick which she jumped over, doing a back flip as her hands touched the grass, kicking Itachi unintentionally in the face, causing a bloody nose. Hidan got up and threw his scythe in her face, but missed.

"Am I-"the girl managed to trip him up and he fell down, "Seriously going to have to resort to ninjutsu here!"

"Ninjutsu?" the girl sneered, "You mean in that kiddy show, Naruto? That show is so fucking lame."

Hidan was angry. "_Excuse me, bitch?_"

"You heard me." She spat in his face. "Who the hell thinks they are ninjas these days? Seriously?" She blocked his punch. "Ninjas are for losers! And-"There was a crunch as Zetsu bit onto her leg. She screamed, and then there was no more of her.

Hidan turned around. At least 5 had ganged up on Itachi. It was obvious Itachi was kind-of blind, and obvious that the girls didn't seem to want to go near Kisame. He turned again to the manuscript. The Gary Stu had used a log to break the glass casing and was about to run off.

"NO YOU FUCKING DON'T!" He threw his scythe, which scraped the boys elbow. He pulled the rope back and grabbed his scythe, using tomato sauce sachets from MacDonald's he picked up earlier to create a triangle circle. Gary Stu's eyes widened and Hidan knew – just _knew – _that the boy had an idea what was going to happen as Hidan's skin went black.

"THIS IS PROOF EDWARD FUCKING CULLEN IS NOT IMMORTAL!"

Hidan plunged the scythe into his chest, and the boy dropped down in an instant, dropping the manuscript. Without bothering to wait for the usual pleasure from the scythe to settle in, he took it out and threw it to the ground and stalked to the boy who went up in a puff of smoke. Kakuzu lay there, unconscious.

Picking up the manuscript, he then used his bloody sythe to stab the pages, just like Harry did to Tom Riddle's diary in the _Chamber of Secrets._

The Cullen coven, which only just heard of what was happening via Alice, were so close to catching them as they ran as fast as a blur towards the sacred manuscript, they jumped high in the sky and if they had an extra few seconds, they would of met their match and killed Hidan once and for all. As soon as the manuscript was gone, they exploded.

It started raining red glitter.

Hidan was grinning as the pages were ripped, stabbed, and abused. _Fucking Yes!_ Kisame came over, holding Itachi in his arms. Then, the shark man stared at Kakuzu in confusion. "He was the guardian of _both _manuscripts? How greedy is that? He didn't even put up a fight; he was using the copy technique till the very end."

"Should I stab myself four more times to kill him?" Hidan asked.

"What are you, stupid?" Kisame put Itachi next to Hidan, and he wobbled into Hidan, red glitter stuck to his cloak. Hidan cringed, being his usual homophobic self, but put Itachi's arm around his shoulder to keep him steady.

Red glitter was still pouring down. Zetsu started coughing, as red glitter was vomiting out of his mouth.

"You _ate _a sparkling vampire?" Kisame asked, side stepping the sick. "That's ... yeah."

Hidan started cackling. "You ATE him! I can't believe you ate him! That's just disgusting!"

"I _was _hungry."

"Ew." Came Konan's response.

"Shut up, all of you." Zetsu snapped. "That was your fault!" the black side told off the other side. "...You were hungry, not me. I think I'm going to be sick even more." He threw up even more over the bridge.

The manuscript was ripped up into tiny little pieces, and Hidan threw the paper into a river with his free hand. He led Itachi over the bridge. He was happy. No more fucking vampires! He felt a twinge for the wolves. They would have made good subordinates for Akatsuki.

But he didn't really care.

* * *

The world was buzzing, wondering why Facebook had 500+ RIP Edward Facebook groups. Pein hadn't managed to hack into Facebook yet to delete them, as he had deleted contents from almost every internet website with a "Twilight Virus" he had created. Kakuzu had reappeared claiming to have no memories of what happened. Meyer didn't write books. Girls around the world had proper, healthy relationships without dumping their boyfriend because they didn't act like 'Edward'.

* * *

Five days later, Pein was really getting pissed off. The news had nothing to report on Twilight – of course – but there was this little shit of a boy which popped up in every newspaper he read. And he was getting really, really fucking sick of it.

"Who is Justin Bieber?"

* * *

/**End **


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